A Confession

Serie A, Ladies & Gents. Where manlove was born. (Reuters/Daylife)

Soooo, we have a small confession-ette to make. The EPL followers among you may have noticed that during Birmingham City’s 2-2 draw with West Ham on Saturday, the sprinkler system inexplicably ‘switched itself on’ (left). This resulted in some players and the referee getting wet. We would like to state that it was indeed, as some of you may have suspected, a Kickette soldier girl who twiddled with the necessary plumbing. (Getty/Daylife)

It’s true.** And we would like to reassure you that while it appeared to be a bit of a let down (limited shirt clinging), this was merely a dress rehearsal in our eternal quest for damp footballers. All we’ll say for now is that it’s El Classico in a few weeks and we’ve got our wrench.

As you were.

EPL

And so to the business at hand. The tie of the weekend was the heavyweight clash at Anfield between Liverpool and Chelsea. Given the recent form of each club, the result of this should have been in the bag but Fernando Torres chose this moment to remember what he’s doing on that big patch of grass and scored two unanswered and stonking goals to give Liverpool a priceless three points. Welcome back, Nando (left). You have been missed. (Getty Images/Daylife)

Manchester United gave their fans another scare, leaving it until the 93rd minute to score the winner against Wolves in a 2-1 win. Owen Hargreaves made his return to the United side, putting in a solid six minutes before limping off with a hamstring strain. See you in six months, Owen!

After their recent wobble, Manchester City put two past West Bromwich Albion to secure fourth place. Mario Balotelli scored both goals in the 2-0 victory and then got himself sent off, ensuring that Eastlands will be mired in rumour and intrigue for at least the next week. Hurrah.

Lastly, Newcastle United pulled off a shock win against Arsenal, Andy Carroll scoring the only goal in the Magpies 1-0 win at the Emirates. Was Arsene Wenger distracted? Hmm, maybe. But Carroll apparently wasn’t. Think this is all we’re going to say on these matters? You’re not here often enough. Stay tuned.

Bundesliga

A 4-0 away win against Hannover saw Borussia Dortmund at the top of the table, one point above Mainz, who lost 1-0 at SC Freiburg. Eintract Frankfurt’s 3-1 win against Wolfsburg means they have taken sixteen out of a possible eighteen points, they sit in third.

Bayern Munich could only manage a 3-3 draw against bottom side Borussia Monchengladbach; Schweini, Philip Lahm and Mario Gomez all scoring. They remain ninth, while Schalke finally won a game; 3-0 against St Pauli saw two goals from Raul (left) and one from nummy tummy Huntelaar. Schalke are now out of the relegation spots in fifteenth. (Getty Images/Daylife)

Serie A

Still reeling from their visit to the ‘Gareth Bale Show’ in the Champions League last week, Inter Milan suffered another blow when they could only draw 1-1 against seventeenth placed Brescia. They remain three points off leaders Lazio who were beaten 2-0 by an excitable and very friendly Roma (top). AC Milan are nicely sandwiched in between after their slightly too close for comfort 3-2 victory over Bari.

Another goal for record breaker Alessandro Del Piero in Juve’s 3-1 win over Cesena, they are joint fourth with Napoli, who beat Parma 2-0.

La Liga

Fernando Torres isn’t the only cute Spanish striker to have found his feet lately. David Villa (and Leo Messi, obviously) scored in Barcelona’s 3-1 victory over Getafe. Barca were briefly top of the table, but Real Madrid’s comfortable 2-0 derby win over Atletico Madrid saw them regain top spot a couple of hours later. More bad news for Barca as Gerard Pique was sent off (two yellow cards) for handling the ball in the area. An offence we kind of like here at Kickette.

Fortunately for Cristiano Ronaldo, fears that he would be kicked to death as a result of his new boots remained unfounded, but he failed to score, prompting comment in the Kickette office that the wild animal he was supposedly trying to unleash was more wombat (left) than lion. You think? (Getty Images/Daylife)

Real remain top by one point from Barca, while Villareal kept up the pace with a 4-1 win over Athletic Bilbao.

Ligue 1

You may have noted our coverage of Arles in the French league of late. You may have asked yourself why we would be covering a team who apparently couldn’t win if the opposition team failed to turn up for the fixture. But this weekend we were vindicated. The Kickette effect has once again taken hold as, brace yourselves… they only ruddy won! 3-2 against Caen saw Arles, well, still rooted to the bottom of the table with a rubbish five points, but hey. It’s a start.

Elsewhere, Brest remain top by one point despite their 3-1 loss at home to Lille. Rennes failed to capitalise on the stumble though, drawing 1-1 to Lyon. Paris SG made up some ground with a 2-1 victory over Marseille and are in third.

Phew. We’ve exhausted ourselves. Please take over.

**No it wasn’t. But wouldn’t you have been disapoointed if we hadn’t claimed this?