Don’t strain yourself, Cris. (AP Photo/Daylife)
You know what, Cris? You might have the most ridiculous taste in clothing, hairstyles and tanning shades but our sartorial radar seems to take a hike when you’re around.
Yep. We love you regardless, dammit. You’re foine, yo.
But still: there are times when your nonchalance has to be put in check. Kickettes, please convene in the chamber to consider the evidence. Crissy’s up for a FAIL.
NAME OF APPLICANT: Cristiano Ronaldo
POSITION/CLUB: Midfielder, Real Madrid
BUSINESS UNDERTAKEN: Tackling
CITED EVIDENCE: Photographic (above)
KICKETTE VERDICT: Historically you have not been a friend to referees, Cristiano. Your quick feet and fancy footwear have often bamboozled hapless officials into giving free kicks that weren’t, not giving free kicks that were and everything in between. Occasionally, your attempts to feign injury have resulted in the kind of somersaults normally only seen in the floor exercise section of Olympic gymnastics.
And the evidence before us suggests that you are taking footie chicanery to new and exciting levels. Your expression gives nothing away as you nonchalantly stick out a foot to take down your man. A referee can have no clue as to whether a foul has been committed. Indeed, you might be lying on a sun lounger in a pair of unnerving shorts (left) for all the effort expended here. (Big Pictures/Keystone/Kickette)
Like everything you do, it might be thoroughly annoying and a target of contempt from commentators and players alike but it’s actually really good. Our bias declared, we declare a one month suspended sentence for you, with other offences against hair and trousers taken into consideration.
Take him away.
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